Money is not exactly my strong suit.
Giving me a million bucks is like giving elocution lessons to President Bush.
Pointless, really. Tigers don't change stripes. (And Bush would likely pronounce it "electrocution.")
Not only do I lack common sense in money management, but well … aw shucks, I am a soft touch for people who say they're in need.
For example, Sally Struthers is always asking for money. So I'd be tempted to throw a few hundred thousand her way, and feed an entire Third World of kids for the next 85 years.
But I am told that I cannot be so caring and kind. I must be ruthless, mercenary and, above all, selfish in my spending.
Fortunately for loyal Panache readers, I have those qualities, too.
The expenditure of ill-gotten booty (in the old sense) is very telling about the soul of a man. Especially a bald, happily married, middle-aged, set-in-his-ways guy in Appleton, Wisconsin.
CHARITY: As noted above, I have no problems giving money away for good causes. So I'll give away twice as much as I really have.
I'd keep my day job at The Post-Crescent, and therefore, I'd get matching contributions from the Gannett Foundation for everything on the charity list.
That's a good thing because the $50,000 limit goes quick enough. The $100,000 gift - including the $50,000 Gannett Foundation match - will go just as fast, but twice as far.
I'd give $10,000 to the Fox Cities Performing Arts Center because I believe in it. It does a lot of good for the Fox Valley.
And a $10,000 donation (in addition to my previous donation in the building phase), should pretty well assure me of getting good seats.
I'd contribute $40,000 to Harbor House, an Appleton domestic abuse shelter that does uncommonly good things for people who desperately need it.
With the remaining $50,000, I'd set up a scholarship fund through the Community Foundation of the Fox Valley Region, Inc. The annual scholarship would reward originality and clarity of thought, and it would go to a Fox Cities graduating senior who will attend college farther away from his/her home area than any other Fox Cities graduating senior. You can learn a lot at UW-Oshkosh, but you can learn a lot more at the Peking University.
Leaving the nest can be a humbling and frightening experience. Big freaking deal. It also helps you grow up. I want to reward a kid who isn't afraid.
Remaining: $950,000.
INVESTMENT: It doesn't take a stock analyst to understand that we're in an age of technological explosion. But it does require a money manager to help me get the most out of my $50,000, with an eye toward that tech stuff.
I'm 48 years old, with more than 15 years to kill … errrrrrrrrrrr, work … before retirement. That's a long time, and the tech sector will be key to a lot of what happens in that time.
Remaining: $900,000.
SECOND HOME: My wife and I are empty-nesters on Appleton's southeast side. We like our home and we like our neighborhood. We'll probably live in our split-level until we can no longer pull our sagging rears up the stairs.
But we'd love to drop $400,000 on a waterfront place about 90 minutes from the Fox Cities. We want something small enough to be comfortable by ourselves, but big enough to have 30 people over for a cookout when we feel the need.
Based on a perusal of Web sites from various Fox Cities real estate firms, that shouldn't be hard to do. Door County works fine. Waupaca and Waushara counties have a lot to offer. Green Lake County is nice. Shawano and Oconto counties are comfortable, too.
The "cottage" - how pretentious is it, by the way, to call a $400,000 place a cottage? - needs at least three bedrooms, at least that many bathrooms, a fireplace, full finished basement, nice dock and a nice pontoon. And the lake needs to accept swimmers.
Remaining: $500,000.
VEHICLES: I believe a car says a lot about its driver.
Which is pretty sad.
At the moment, we drive a 2001 Chevrolet Blazer LT and a 2000 Ford Mustang. Nice, but not particularly striking, vehicles.
Everyone has owned a Blazer at some point, it seems. I can't drive the three minutes from Casa Flan to Wal-Mart without counting seven dozen of the damned things on Calumet Street. They're all boring, and they're all driven by people who seem bored.
My wife's Mustang is gold and, when it was new, was a sharp car. But it's not new anymore, and frankly, the thrill is long gone. It's a small car that drives like a big car, and it's not a very comfortable ride.
So, as long as we have a few bucks to spend, we'll upgrade the wheels and the image.
My Reason For Living (RFL) has made it clear that we will upgrade the Mustang to a Corvette.
While I question the winter-driving ability of the Corvette, I remind myself that RFL - not I - will be its pilot. According to www.bergstromauto.com, there's a victory red Corvette convertible available at Bergstrom Cadillac Pontiac Buick GM in Oshkosh for only $61,205.
A bargain, yes?
For winter driving, though, the RFL must be placed behind the wheel of a sturdier vehicle. We'll take a Chrysler 300C from Van Dyn Hoven in Kaukauna for $39,815. Big, sturdy, powerful. Impressive car.
Of course, the Blazer must be replaced by something a little better, too.
I'd drop $68,740 for that 2005 Porsche Cayenne, at Bergstrom Porsche. Sure, there are Hummers and Escalades all over the Fox Cities, but not many folks have the courtesy and charm to drive a Porsche SUV.
Total vehicle cost: $169,760.
Remaining: $330,240.
TRAVEL: Don't you think $40,000 should get us 45 days in the Virgin Islands?
According to Appleton's Kiwi Travel (www.kiwitravel.com), it probably would. But we could get a lot more for our money and actually live a few of our dreams.
We'll do a month in Australia - one of RFL's biggest desires - for $12,000.
We'll follow with two weeks in Europe for $9,000.
And just to relax, we'll spend three weeks in the U.S. Virgin Islands for $18,000.
No matter where we go and how long we'll stay, we're going to eat well, drink well and generally live large.
Remaining: $290,240.
CULTURE & ARTS: I need culture the way the White House needs a splash of color. Badly.
Obviously, two seats to anything that plays at the Fox Cities PAC. Based on prices for the acts that played the PAC in the final four months of 2005, that should run about $4,500.
But that's not all. We'll visit The Exclusive Company to drop about $5,000 for the complete recorded works of Merle Haggard, John Prine, Patsy Cline, Chet Atkins, Guy Van Duser (phenomenal guitarist), Tommy Emmanuel (phenomenal guitarist), Alison Krauss and Nickel Creek. Plus any other artist that strikes my fancy at the time. (Listen, it's my money, so I'll buy the culture I like.)
Then we'll head to Best Buy or Circuit City to pick up a 60GB iPod ($425) and a hot new computer and monitor ($2,800) to accommodate a new digital music collection.
That totals about $12,725.
Remaining: $277,515.
JEWELRY: Need any man who has been married for any length of time question the need to stop at a jeweler's every so often?
If you care about the marital relationship, you should care enough to keep a metallurgist and gemologist on retainer.
I occasionally call on Scanlan's Jewelers on Appleton's Calumet Street, and I would do so again to buy my RFL $30,000 of whatever she wants.
Scanlan's is not a high-priced jewelry store, and I've been happy with the service I've gotten there in the past. I'm a loyal guy.
As a normal American male, I don't profess much knowledge of jewelry. But I do know what makes my wife smile, and she would be thrilled to replace her $300 original wedding ring (purchased with her money) with something a bit more, oh, obvious.
The largest diamond ring (around 2.5 carats) at Scanlan's would run about $8,200. The most expensive bracelet is around $2,000, the same as their top-of-the-line necklace.
For $30,000, the RFL would walk out of Scanlan's with 10 separate pieces of jewelry.
My jewelry needs are much simpler. But much more expensive.
I'd head to South Nicolet Drive in Appleton to Rummele's Jewelers to leave about $51,250 behind for a Rolex President (platinum, day-date, diamond bezel and diamond dial, president bracelet). A guy needs accurate timepieces.
Total jewelry expense: $81,250.
Remaining: $196,265.
FASHION: Every 12 to 15 years, you should buy a new suit, whether you need it or not. I need 10.
And they don't all need to be dark blue with white shirts. Gray works, too. And I hear tan is a nice color. Hell, shoot the works. Let's add a black pinstriped number, too. And some sweaters and more dress slacks and shirts.
At $600 per suit, that will make Bill Paul Ltd. (on Neenah's W. Wisconsin Avenue) about $6,000 richer.
Add another $1,000 for several pairs of shoes (dress, business and casual) from Heckert's in downtown Appleton.
But what I really need to do is get rid of EVERY piece of clothing I currently own because none of it fits. An office job and a sedentary lifestyle will do that for you.
So mark me down for a $2,000 trip to Eddie Bauer at the Fox River Mall, and another $2,000 for a trip to Marshall Field's (soon to be Macy's). Golf shirts, jeans, shorts, socks, underwear, sweatshirts, sweatpants, the whole nine yards.
That's $11,000 for my clothing needs. Double this for my wife, who actually knows what she wants, and probably where to get it.
Total: $33,000.
Remaining: $163,265.
SPECIAL SERVICES: The older we get, the more needs we have.
Like, we need someone to cook healthy meals for us. I'd pay a Fox Valley Technical College culinary student $500 a week to prepare dinner cuisine that would (1) make me happy and (2) make me slimmer. That's $26,000 well spent.
And we need a personal trainer. Someone who will shame us into workouts and sweating, running and sweating, and sweating and sweating. Someone who understands - and can make us understand - what it takes to roll my lethargy off the couch. I'd pay $120 a week for that. Easily. Heck, I should pay that anyhow.
Another $6,240 for a good cause.
A housekeeper would be worthwhile. Let's say $60 a week for that, for $3,120, and a total of $35,360 for this category.
Remaining: $127,905.
LANDSCAPING: Again - and I am not overstating the case - I stink at this stuff. I'm lucky to pick the correct end of a shovel.
But as much as I like our house, it can probably be improved.
I'd tell Wolfrath's Landscaping in Hortonville to use $15,000 to install a lawn-watering system and make whatever other improvements they can figure out in that budget.
Remaining: $112,905.
HOME IMPROVEMENTS: The bedrooms are simply too small. The RFL and I sleep on a queen-sized bed, little more than two feet on either side from a dresser. And little more than three feet to the wall at the foot of the bed.
And the closets are tiny, too.
This is a big job. I suspect it would take about $75,000 to give our upstairs a more spacious look. Expand the bedrooms, expand the roof, expand the closets, give us more light.
Remaining: $37,905.
TOYS & GADGETS: I'm a guitar player. I would love to collect a few more of them. But I also crave a few other things, and what good is a million bucks if you can't satisfy the cravings?
I'd contract with Petros Guitars in Hollandtown (www.petrosguitars.com) to build two for me: A Crown of Thorns finger-style model for $11,550 and a Rose of Sharon dreadnought model for $9,360. And I'd like electric pickups installed in both, for another $700.
I'd then head to Heid Music or Henri's Music in Appleton, or Electric City Music in Kaukauna to pick up or order a Fender Stratocaster ($1,500), and a Gretsch White Falcon II ($4,000).
Of course, I'd need amplifiers. I'd spend $2,000 on a Standel amp for the electric guitars and a Fishman amp for the acoustics.
Guitar/amps total: $29,110.
If nothing else, I am also a computer freak. I will definitely head to Milwaukee PC, on N. Westhill Blvd. in Appleton, to invest in a top-of-the-line laptop machine, with a 60GB hard drive, wireless Internet access, Windows XP Pro, TV tuner and a SXGA screen, for $2,770.
Yeah, I know. Makes no sense, and I would look dumb as a bag of hammers. But I want a Yamaha Morphous scooter - I cannot handle a motorcycle, believe me - in a bad, bad way. They allegedly get great gas mileage, and more importantly, they look cool, even if I don't.
Appleton Powersports, on State 15, near the Fox River Mall, would get about $5,200 for one. Add a helmet for $100.
Total: $37,180.
Remaining: $725.
At this point, I'm getting a little bushed.
So I'll probably just buy a little something nice for myself and relax.
You can keep the change.
Dan Flannery is the managing editor of the Appleton Post-Crescent.
