OK. (Deep breath.)
One million dollars.
No, wait.
"One-meeleeyon dollars," he says, putting pinky to pursed lip and devilish-grin. (Always wanted to do that.)
Let's get right to it.
PURCHASE NUMERO UNO: "Buy a vintage home"
Yep, $400,000 should do it.
But no McMansions here.
After about five seconds of discussion, my wife and I settle on our dream house. Something circa 1900-to-1920, of the Arts and Crafts vintage, with lots of oak woodwork, built-in cabinets, bungalow features - the whole Hoover-era nine.
The bad news: Such homes are relatively rare in the Fox Valley and Oshkosh, and they are getting rarer with every year, particularly if you want one in move-in shape.
The good news: I've got $1 million to blow. So, if the place needs some work, we'll hire the unparalleled artisans at Oshkosh Floor Designs in Winneconne -- www.oshkoshfloors.com -- to spruce it up a bit. We'll also page Terry Laib, of Oshkosh-based Laib Restorations Inc., www.laibrestoration.com. Laib is a scientist when it comes to restoring homes and historic buildings. Can't go wrong.
The other good news: Vintage, if not historic, homes are under-appreciated in the Fox Valley. The burbs are ballooning and, chances are, you can find a well-maintained classic home in a historic neighborhood (think Oshkosh's Washington Avenue or Neenah's Bergstrom-Mahler district) for a reasonable price, compared to elsewhere in America.
RUNNING TAB: $400,000.
PURCHASE NUMBER TWO: "An investment in community… literally"
We'd sink $300,000 in one of revitalizing, downtown Oshkosh's vacant behemoths. Yes, there are plenty of vacant or relatively dormant buildings in the city's downtown canyons north and south of the Fox River to pick from. Our intent: Renovate with sensitivity to historic facade details, encourage a new upscale restaurant, art gallery or boutique store to move into the street front and, last but not least, add a few more chic apartments upstairs.
With building prices in the downtown still reasonable and a number of unexploited opportunities for shopping, arts and culture, this truly seems like a cool investment. Something fun to watch take root as the central city's chemistry continues to churn off popular Gallery Walks, a percolating cafe scene and the rest of the cultural goings-on.
RUNNING TAB: $700,000.
"PURCHASE" NUMBER THREE: "For good…"
It's hard to ignore the philanthropic tide in the Fox Valley and Oshkosh lately, what with amphitheater gifts, paid-for aquatic centers and a plain ol' upswing in charitable giving.
I would have liked to kick in $150,000, but our limit for this little exercise is $50,000. So, mine goes to the Oshkosh Area Community Foundation. My wife and I would create a donor-advised fund, so we could annually dole out the investment interest the endowment money generates to any number of applicant organizations.
"We have several donor-advised funds now where people will put chunks of money in at the end of the year and throughout the year make grants out to it," Community Foundation Executive Director Eileen Connolly-Keesler says.
"We send money all over the nation, for anything from human services to environmental to arts causes -- everything."
A piece of advice to those interested in our cash: We're looking for the "Three C's": creativity, community betterment and culture.
Good luck.
RUNNING TAB: $750,000.
PURCHASE NUMBER FOUR: "Hybridization…"
You can have your Hummers.
In the age where gasoline is akin to automotive Dom Perignon, we'll go for his-and-hers Toyota Priuses. (Or is that Prii?)
Probably safe to toss $60,000 toward this one. And we'll likely need to put our orders in now. Local Toyota dealers don't necessarily have their lots stocked with the Prius. So, we'll patiently wait for our two Pri… Priusssses…. Pri…
Oh, whatever. Just get us the Gas-lectromobile thingies, man!
RUNNING TAB: $810,000.
PURCHASE NUMBER FIVE: "Got the house, now the furniture."
Oh, yeah. Almost forgot. Now that we've got the historic home, we've got to furnish it. And our current, 1993-vintage couches and matching chair just won't do.
I'll put $50,000 toward furnishings and decor. Where to blow it, you ask? I'm going the antique route. I'll be spending plenty of time at Harp Gallery in Menasha and Great Estates and Knox Furniture Outlet in Oshkosh - two great stores to nab authentic, vintage pieces.
RUNNING TAB: $860,000.
NUMBER SIX: "The all-encompassing techno-spree."
Two of everything. I'll drop $20,000 on it all.
IPods. Laptops. Blackberries. Maybe a single, new home PC. Digital, to the nines. Multimedia capabilities. The works.
RUNNING TAB: $880,000.
NUMBER SEVEN: "Vacation time."
Canada is about as exotic as it has gotten for me, so far.
So, we'll plunk down $20,000 for a first-class-travel, no-holds-barred trip to New Zealand. The landscape is varied. The scenery is amazing (from what I've seen and read). And the recreational options are unbelievable.
We'll tap Carlson Wagonlit Travel in Oshkosh agency to do the heavy lifting and ensure every dollar is spent wisely. That means we want pampering, helicopter vistas, a night or two on the ocean. You name it.
Shouldn't be a problem for Carlson Wagonlit, says manager Lynn Paulus. The agency has had its share of, shall we say, "alternative," getaways. New Zealand, no problem, Paulus says.
"I have groups who like do elephant round-ups, and you can do that in Northern Thailand," Paulus says.
"It blows my mind why somebody would want to do this, but I also have a client who is thoroughly interested in the Ukraine. You've heard of the Chernobyl incident? Well, they do day trips up there."
RUNNING TAB: $900,000.
NUMBER EIGHT: "Let the music play."
No million-dollar shopping spree would be complete with some background music … and a massive home entertainment system to play it on … one tucked in the basement of my new, historic home. (Gosh, I love saying that.)
Figure $10,000.
For starters, I'm blowing $1,000 or so on a jazz CD bonanza at my favorite local music shop, The Exclusive Company. Its jazz collection is bar none in the region.
And, yes, I like CDs - music you can still hold. Downloads, schmownloads (even though we bought those new iPods).
The balance of this allotment goes toward the home entertainment system. I'm thinking big-time, mini-movie theater room - something we can tuck in our finished downstairs. That way, the antiquity of the upstairs isn't shattered by the 50-inch, theater-ratio, UFO-like big screen and surround sound cluster.
Maybe we'll make it on MTV's "Cribs" when all is said and done.
RUNNING TAB: $910,000.
NUMBER NINE: "Fashion."
Target? Kohl's?
Been there. Done that.
We're going Banana Republic and Gap in the Fox River Mall in Appleton for the casual stuff and any variety of other men's stores in the area for the dressier digs. Also, I'm going to need some fine designer suits, once and for all. That, of course, will require top-of-the-line shoes to match.
Yes - gone will be the days of the fantasy fashions in "Esquire" or "GQ." (Granted, there really aren't any Gucci or Burberry branches opening in Oshkosh. But we millionaires have to make do with what we've got.)
I figure $10,000 should do the trick -- $5,000 for me, $5,000 for my wife.
RUNNING TAB: $920,000.
NUMBER TEN: "Happy New Year, friends and family."
Pop the champagne. Strike up the band. We're renting out the CopperLeaf Boutique Hotel in Appleton, www.copperleafhotel.com, and throwing a $50,000 New Year's shindig for about 200 or so family and friends.
We'll cover Grade-A eats, entertainment (good jazz from local talent Janet Planet, for starters) and a decked-out cocktail bar.
The rooms for the evening are on us, too. Since we're renting the place out, perhaps they'd give us the base $79 a night rate for all the rooms. So, the tab for CopperLeaf's 73 rooms comes to roughly $6,000, including tax.
Why the CopperLeaf? The interior decoration is a gorgeous homage to Craftsman-meets-urban design, and it's right in the thick of things in downtown Appleton. Plus, the management pays attention to the little things, like the Aveda soaps.
I can dig it.
RUNNING TAB: $970,000 (we're getting down there).
NUMBER ELEVEN: "Good-bye glasses."
Since my parents bought that first pair of 5 pound, photo-gray, silver rimmed spectacles in third-grade (kids picked on me for wearing shades in class) I've been stuck with glasses.
No more.
I'll dedicate $20,000 toward top-notch Lasik work for my wife and for me. We'll head to Appleton and the offices of Dr. Avery Alexander - yes, that guy on TV - to get their "UltraSight" bladeless work done.
Consultations are important but free. First off, you need to make sure you're a candidate for Lasik. Costs cover a first year's worth of check-ups and possible "enhancements," if necessary.
RUNNING TAB: $990,000 ($10K to go).
NUMBER TWELVE: "Hair today, more tomorrow."
Hard to ignore the surging number of upscale salons in the Valley and Oshkosh.
Salon Mode, in downtown Oshkosh's 500 block, is among the coolest, particularly due to the recycled space it calls home in the first floor of the more-than 100-year-old Webster Building.
So, it's there we stake our hair. I'll set aside $5,000 for unlimited and regular trimmings for my wife and for me. That allotment is to be burned over as long a period as it takes. Should we decide we need more regular pampering, we'll just tap the coiffeur coffer.
RUNNING TAB: $995,000.
LUCKY THIRTEEN: "We likes the bikes…"
Time to explore the Fox Valley and Oshkosh area's underappreciated network of biking trails.
And in style.
I'll invest $3,000 in two, solid touring bicycles. Comfortable and sturdy, yet rugged. In the spirit of keeping as much of my cash as vested in our locally burgeoning downtowns as possible, we'll buy the bikes at Oshkosh Cyclery Inc. on North Main Street.
It's likely $3,000 would score us two nice bikes to hit the WIOUWASH Trail with. And we'd probably have money to spare, so we'd burn it on helmets, shoes, clothes, gloves. The accoutrements, if you will.
RUNNING TAB: $998,000.
NUMBER FOURTEEN: "Tickets."
Season tickets aren't usually my thing. But as long as I've got $2,000 to burn, let's put $1,000 toward entire batches for the Wisconsin Timber Rattlers, the Oshkosh Symphony Orchestra, the Grand Opera House and Lawrence University's always-stellar jazz series.
Since $1,000 is probably a tad much to cover that list, we'll buy a round of season tickets, too, for Harbor House Domestic Abuse programs in Appleton and Christine Ann Domestic Abuse Services, Inc. in Oshkosh. Both of these all-too-vital agencies can pass along the free experiences with those they shelter.
RUNNING TAB: $999,000.
NUMBER FIFTEEN: "Finding my voice."
And, drum roll please.
There's got to be something horizon-expanding about this little experiment, don't you think?
So, here we go. I'll put my last $1,000 toward a year's worth of jazz vocal lessons with the aforementioned Janet Planet.
Janet - as her Website www.janetplanet.com notes - offers vocal lessons to focused students. How cool is that?
"Jazz vocal lessons: $50 per hour times 24 hours a day times a lifetime; average life expectancy 70 years equals $30,660,000," she says. "Seriously, jazz vocal is a lifetime commitment. It never ends. Vocal lessons are $50 per hour. Blowing changes over 'Giant Steps'? Priceless. But remember this: Did you hear about the jazz musician who won the lottery? He kept on working until his money ran out."
Since $1,000 is only enough for 20, one-hour lessons (you can't learn to breathe properly in that amount of time, let alone swing the lyrics to "Three Blind Mice"), I'd use whatever unspent, overflow scrapings of cash I still have on more lessons.
Then, if there are a few more Benjamins still in my pocket, I'll use them as bribe money to book a gig at the Water City Grill in Oshkosh. (Appetizers on me.)
Hopefully, I'll also have a bit left to coerce the audience to hear me "sing."
"Good night, folks. Tip the wait staff. You've been a wonderful audience."
RUNNING TAB: $1 MILLION.
