Clang, clang, whoosh. SCH-Thump.
My eyes jerk open.
Frowning, I snuggle deeply into my down comforter. I'm going on a million dollar spree today, but the water pipes in my apartment have interrupted my beauty sleep-again. The tiny bedroom is crisp with autumn air, but rest assured the chill will evaporate once the sun rises. My landlady still hasn't fixed the heat, let alone the clangy plumbing. Booming below the floorboards, she has her TV set to the Lifetime channel at the highest volume, mixed only with yowls from her hungry cat, Captain Meowser.
Fine, you win.
Clang, clang, the pipes shudder. "OK! I'm up!"
I wriggle from my cottony nest, but the air hits me like a car accident.
Good thing the water heater still works, so I make a flailing dash for the shower and slam the door.
VEHICLE: Showered, powdered and fed, I pull out of the driveway, checking my lipstick for smudges as I back out. My large, Jackie-O sunglasses will serve as a sleek accessory to compliment my white button-down and black pencil skirt. My feet are wrapped in my shortest pair of heels and sport a day-old red pedicure.
My adrenaline starts to rise as I pull into Bergstrom Enterprise vehicles, scanning the luxury-horizon for a salesperson. Glistening in the parking lot are rows of high-speed gems.
The BMW M3. A serious play toy for a young lady, painted Imola red, my blonde hair sparkling in the sunlight. Oh wait … maybe that's the sheen of the leather interior.
I opt for the convertible over the coupe and realize I will have to muddle my way home not knowing how to drive a manual transmission.
A minor detail.
Extras, extras, extras. No base model, please. I complete my toy with Xenon headlights (those blueish-white lights I've previously mistaken for a UFO), a Harman Kardon sound system and the most important feature of all-a BMW on-board navigation system. There are people in the world that don't understand how easy it is to get lost in the wide, expanse of the Fox Valley. Dropping $65,000 all together, my new wheels are the perfect companion to start my quest.
The whole manual transmission thing is really not working out as I try to zoom coolly down the road. Think I'll veer off the main streets and give some back roads a shot. Hello, cattle.
NEW HOME: An Astor Park Historic Home. Give me a circular staircase, give me a garden made just for wild roses, give me a porch with four white pillars. My idea of a dream home is one with character. About 2 million windows of all sizes, and four window seats smattered with velvet pillows. And overlooking the slow, winding river in back will be my office, where I'll sit at night listening to a moody rock band, drinking black tea, and I'll write-with an occasional peek over my laptop at the view. This is my $500,000 dream, made possible thanks to Jane Jadin of Oleniczak Realty, Green Bay.
LANDSCAPING: I want a 10-by-10 foot pond full of huge, calico Koi, surrounded by lights and plants. Landscape Artisans in Green Bay will do the job for about $25,000 plus $12,000 for a dozen high-quality Koi, compliments of The Koi Shop, De Pere. Briefly, I imagine this is the sort of thing a lonely rock star would buy for companionship. In the cool of night, I could lean over my pond bridge and visit my fish. Of course, I could heighten the rock-star feeling with a bottle of Cristal in hand. Mmm, peaceful.
HOME IMPROVEMENTS/UPGRADES: Ah yes, I've got it. An 8-by-16 foot swim spa from The Pool Center in Oshkosh, which doubles as a lap-pool and hot tub in one. During the day I can switch the jets to full blast and swim "up-stream" for a workout. Heated for evening, I can entertain up to 12 guests for a spa party - complete with lots of cup holders for hot toddies and cappuccino. At $19,000 including installation, plus $1,200 for an automated cover, winter in my bikini never looked so good.
Unearthing a claw-foot tub, mahogany vanity, tall lingerie dresser and a set of antique silver cutlery will take some time and a nice budget. Add to that a plethora of credenzas, sofas, chairs and one, four-poster bed, I decide to keep a $150,000 kitty to spend at auctions and antique stores in the future. B Young Antiques & Decorating, Appleton, Originals-Mall of Antiques, Oshkosh, and Gwendolyn's Antiques 'N Things, Green Bay, will be a good start.
TOYS & GADGETS: To adorn my writing haven, I need a sleek laptop that can keep up with my thought firing range and my love of coffee, tea and the occasional glass of Cabernet while I type. Milwaukee PC can order my Panasonic Tough Book T2, which is designed to handle higher than normal abuse from people (like me!) with coordination deficiencies. It's water resistant and will cost about $2,300. Add on a universal docking station, keyboard and mouse for about $200.
Next in gadgets, a sound system wired to every room of my home. Suess Electronics will supply the technology and install a high-end system for about $1,000 per room. Multiply this by 10 rooms, and we're talking about $10,000 for the whole shebang. Now I can air-guitar from room to room without stopping, or disable the country music my sister just put in with a touch to the keypad. Ahhh, that's better. Worth every penny.
SPECIAL SERVICES: I hate cleaning. I hate lemon-fresh scents and rubber gloves. I can even prove it by introducing you to the family of dust bunnies who it seems have invited their in-laws and second cousins along. For my 2,500-square-foot historical home, K-Tech Kleening or Merry Maids will do the dirty work, and it's only $75-$90 a week to save my sanity.
FASHION & JEWELRY: I'm definitely an impulse shopper. If I see a cute yellow polka-dot blazer or a pair of red hip-huggers, I'll snatch them up in a heartbeat. Problem is, my closet is inundated with a peculiar mix of unmatchable tops and bottoms. Plus I have passed my unmatchable clothes down to my four sisters over the years-poor things don't know there are actually clothes out there that match. (They're called outfits.) But I'm going to change. I withdraw $60,000, $10 grand for each of my sisters, my mom, and of course, yours truly. We'll stop at some boutiques in the Fox Cities-J Hawkinson Clothiers in Appleton and Poppi's in Oshkosh.
While in Appleton, it's time for us all to own a piece of real jewelry. No more fake pearls or plastic bangles. Here's a thought: How long will it take my boyfriend to get me that engagement ring I deserve? Well I'm done waiting. For $50,000 at Avenue Jewelers, I can procure a 5-carat, square-cut diamond set in platinum, with so many sparkles it might accidentally hypnotize people. (Maybe I'll engrave the band with "Oh honey, I love it!")
Mom and the sisters have each decided on a pair of customized chandelier earrings from Jared. They fell in love with the Alexandrite, a gem more rare than diamonds that is purple indoors and green outdoors. Trimmed with small diamonds, we're projected to spend about $100,000 total on precious metal and stone.
TRAVEL: OK, don't laugh, but a very special vacation for me would be a trip to Prince Edward Island to roam about the place "Anne of Green Gables" was filmed.
Growing up, I read the L.M. Montgomery series, and it always whisked me away to a beautiful place in my imagination. Even though I'm all grown up, the movie based on the books still ranks No. 1 on my list. I would take my "bosom friend" along and spend 14 days touring PEI-I hear it's a beautiful island to visit, whether you have a girlhood nostalgia about Anne (with an 'e') or not. Heart of the Valley travel can set me up with a luxury Anne-fan package for two for about $5,000.
CULTURE & ARTS: Well, it happened. I've finally grown out of my Van Gogh, Monet and Picasso prints-from-Crafts-'N-More stage. At times, my desperation for original artwork has resulted in hideous-looking "art" I conjured up all by myself. Budget masterpieces.
To reconcile, I decide to spend $35,000 on contemporary abstracts and wall-sculptures from area galleries: The Gift Itself, Green Bay; Coventry Glassworks & Gallery and Avenue Art & Co., Appleton; and Collectors Gallery Fine Art & Framing in Oshkosh.
When the sun is a pale, gold speck on the horizon, I limp upstairs to my apartment and unlock the door. Already, the dreadful chill is creeping back in, so I switch out my heels for a pair of pink fluffy slippers. Then - flop. Onto the bed I go.
Hard as I tried, I still have about $11,000 left in my account. Lying there in the sunset haze, I hear the familiar: Clang, clang, whoosh. SCH-Thump.
Fifteen minutes later, I hand-deliver an envelope labeled "FOR THE PIPES" to my landlady, and bend to give Captain Meowser a scratch behind his ears.
Inside, she'll find a personal check with the leftover money … and a neatly written 30-day notice.
