It's pathetic, really.
I'm given a $1 million allowance, and I still can't live within my means.
That's right. In my first swing at a seven-digit local shopping spree, I actually busted the bank by $25,000. At first glance, that sounds like a lot of dough; but really, it's a mere 2.5 percent aberration.
Of course, that's the same line of thinking that has made our federal government the well-organized, efficient-budgeting machine it is today.
To paraphrase former U.S. Sen. Everett McKinley Dirksen, "2.5 percent here, 2.5 percent there - pretty soon it adds up to real money."
Unlike my elected counterparts, however, I decided to do something seemingly unfathomable to them: I went back and cut some of the fat. In the process, I also learned a civic lesson. It's real easy to spend the big bucks when you're using other people's money.
Once I got my priorities in order, here's how things fell together:
SECOND HOME: While I enjoy my Neenah hometown, I'm particularly proud of its unique combination of an active downtown, the newly minted Riverwalk/Shattuck Park and the nearby Riverside Park. With that in mind, my biggest single purchase is a 2,000-square-foot, fourth-floor, lakeside-view condo at the impending North Riverwalk Place centrally located to enjoy all three.
"I'm into the Neenah mystique. It's a boutique community," says Realtor Karl Volkman, echoing some of my own motivations for this purchase. "The people who will buy here want to walk across the street to the YMCA or go downtown for a cup of coffee, or head down the Riverwalk. The proximity to a lot of things makes them comfortable."
Sure, I'll probably hold onto my current home (I'll let my parents enjoy the condo's amenities over the next few years), but I'll rest easier knowing my own little slice of paradise awaits when I'm ready to relocate permanently.
Top of the line digs - think 11-foot ceilings, granite countertops, great amenities - should cost me about $400,000.
Amount remaining: $600,000
TRAVEL: Working through Carlson Wagonlit Travel in Appleton's City Center Plaza, I arranged a world cruise for my immediate family (that's five people) plus a ticket for the nanny (see special services below).
Since this is the kind of thing you only do once in your life, you've got to get it right, thus I selected the elegant Crystal Cruise Line. (My first impulse was the 106-day world cruise, hitting 40 ports of call, but with the top-of-line tickets peaking in the $235,000 per person range, I could have wiped out my entire budget in one fell swoop).
Instead, I went with the British Isles cruise package, encompassing seven ports of call in a more workable 10 days. The trip, with high-end accommodations, comes in at about $140,000.
"(That's) the very definition of class," says Carol Grossman, a Carlson Wagonlit travel counselor. "And the people I do book on these cruises have traveled extensively and always at the best places."
Amount remaining: $460,000
VEHICLE: I'll let other people worry about the environment. Me? I'll focus on the economy. In that capacity, I'd like to join the ranks of the so-called "Hummer Heroes" whose massive gas-guzzling ways have propped up our fragile financial infrastructure through some pretty tough times.
Don't get me wrong: While I'm oddly smitten by the Hummer brand, the original H1 is more about ego compensation than transportation. It's just too much vehicle for even me. And while I have no serious misgivings about the H3, my newfound allowance permits me the extravagance of the larger, more intimidating H2.
Bergstrom Hummer in Neenah can set me up and, according to the official Hummer Web site, I can get a fully loaded, seriously tricked-out H2 for about $70,000.
Amount remaining: $390,000
TOYS & GADGETS: I'm going to lay down some serious bling here. I'm a man who has a deep and abiding love for tech toys, but - until now - has lacked the deep-and-abiding wallet to fulfill my desires.
For the sake of conversation, my shopping list will include five IPODS; at least one 61-inch HDTV with Pioneer 7.1 audio and Klipsch speakers; five Panasonic ToughBook Y2 laptops; two Dell Axim X30 personal digital assistants; an Xbox 360 gaming system; the PlayStation Personal (PSP); as well as enough games and movies to keep my video- viewing and -gaming cravings well sated. There's plenty more I could add (stereos, DVD systems, etc.), but you get the idea.
With a shopping list that broad, I'd be happy to spread the wealth around liberally among some of the area's local specialists, think Audio Plus, Kossel's, Seuss, Muntz, Sound World, Van Vreedes and others. Total investment: $30,000.
In addition, I've been out on a golf course a few times. I can't really call what I do "playing golf," but that's a talent I aspire to learn. And I might as well do that in style. Setting myself and the bride up with top-quality equipment, golf bags, wardrobe and other assorted paraphernalia, and we're talking about $4,200, according to Chris Burns, manager at Bob Burns Custom Clubs and Golf Learning Center in Appleton.
Throw lessons in there with Chris' father - a PGA master professional whose name adorns the pro shop - as well as a membership to his practice range, and we're talking another grand for both of us.
"Today's technology can help the average golfer be better," Chris observes. "We can help you swing farther and straighter …"
"But does any of this make me a better golfer?" I inquire.
His response is a lesson in diplomacy: "What's the old saying? It's the archer, not the arrows. The golfer will have a great deal of impact on his club. Face it, Tiger Woods could hit the average club from Wal-Mart 300 yards."
When I checked in with Bill Bordell, the head PGA professional at Butte Des Morts Country Club in Appleton, I found comparable prices. Of course, one luxurious perk at his destination is membership itself: Initiation fees and dues/levies for a year will cost me about $12,000.
"Everyone has a different outlook when it comes to golf," Bordell advises. "For some, it's strictly a social activity. For others, it's business. Some are competitive. For others, it just doesn't matter."
Given my novice status, it's too early to tell which category I'll fall into. Nonetheless, let's put my total investment in golfing at $20,000.
Amount remaining: $340,000
CULTURE & ARTS: One man's art is another man's garbage. So while other collectors might covet Pablo Picasso's Blue Period, I'm more interested in DC Comic's Silver Age.
That's right, I'd bolster my - geek alert! - already impressive comic book collection with some pricey and rare editions. Considering that the first appearances of Batman and Superman could nick you from $250,000 to $500,000 apiece, you begin to realize just how much some investors are willing to pay.
To get this done right, I'd work through the professionals at Powerhouse Comics and Games in downtown Appleton.
"We've been on the lookout for people," says Mick Gayan, Powerhouse's manager. "We've got a lot of contacts and a lot of different people with whom we work. If you really wanted to find something, you'd want to hunt both on your own and with us. But if you're solo and looking online, you're taking a big risk. If we get our hands on something, we can authenticate it."
In a nod toward "culture," I'll add this investment: Four Broadway Series season tickets - Saturday nights, orchestra level - at the Fox Cities Performing Arts Center in downtown Appleton. I enjoy a good show as much as the next guy. Total investment: $20,000.
Amount remaining: $320,000
COSMETIC SURGERY: Who we kidding here? When you're this close to perfection, there's nothing that needs nipping and tucking. Total investment: $0.
FASHION: Having established that I closely resemble a more youthful, oh, George Clooney, doesn't necessarily mean I dress like him. My inner beauty needs a bit of outward - read that as "wardrobe" - refining. For help in the couture department, I would initially turn to Neenah's Bill Paul and the Fox River Mall's Jos. A. Banks.
While I'm not much of a clothes horse, my (female) co-workers assure me that I can easily lay down $45,000 to outfit myself, the bride and the boys.
Amount remaining: $275,000
JEWELRY: I view this category as one-part sheer investment, one-part pure decadence. It's also the category I know the least about. So I turn to Amy Helein, owner of Appleton's Helein Jewelers.
For me, she selects a Patek Phillippe watch (leather strap, 18-carat white gold case and clasp) that retails for just shy of $55,000 on the secondary market (a fancy way of saying someone else once owned it, but never used it). "This is very fashion forward," Helein says, not realizing that the term "fashion forward" has never been remotely associated with my name. Ever. "This is a very classic watch.
"A lot of men aren't into jewelry but are into watches. This watch reflects a man who may be conservative (in his style), but he cares about the way he works and dresses."
For the bride, she suggests a pair of Lazare Kaplan diamond-drop earrings, called Icicles (ideal-cut diamonds, 6.25 carats, set in platinum). "Jewelry of this nature can be worn with a conservative evening gown or something showy," Helein says. "This can be seen on the red carpet, sort of Oscar-style glitzy." This will set me back another $60,000 - and my wife is worth every cent.
Amount remaining: $160,000
Home improvement/upgrades: I would love nothing more than to spend some of the seven lovely winter months of northeast Wisconsin looking out a window-laden conservatory. The latest thermal glass technologies make just such a home addition viable year-round in even the chilliest climate, notes Judy Larson, co-owner of Sunrooms of Wisconsin in Appleton.
"A sun-and-stars room really gives someone a chance to enjoy the beauty of the outdoors," she notes.
A top-notch Four Seasons Sunroom will cost about $25,000.
Amount remaining: $135,000
SPECIAL SERVICES: My wife is tired. I don't mean the "I'll take a quick nap and feel better" brand of tired, either. I'm talking the "Mother of three young boys/Please kill me now" brand of full-bodied fatigue. God bless her, the woman's paid her dues and she needs some relief.
I can sum up the remedy for what ails her in two words: Super Nanny.
Since few local child-care agencies handle this service, I'll have to handle it independently. By the time I advertise and recruit candidates, vet them through area investigation services and establish wages and benefits for a year, we're looking at projected costs of nearly $35,000. (For the record: I'm being a bit more generous than the Wall Street Journal's salary projection for this field. This is one expense I don't intend to scrimp on. Only the best will do.)
Amount remaining: $100,000
CHARITY - The Community Foundation for the Fox Valley Region Inc. is the linchpin of my philanthropic endeavors. The organization currently administers about 665 endowment funds and I'd love to make mine the devilish 666th.
"The power of endowment giving is making a gift for charity, but the gift is invested rather than spent. A piece is given away each and every year," explains Curt Detjen, the foundation's executive director.
The beauty of endowments is implicit: I can give away that $50,000 once (and don't get me wrong, there's certainly nothing wrong with that kind of generosity), or that same amount of money can be placed into an endowment, which will ultimately give away $230,000 over the next 45 years (For the record: That's the official Community Foundation estimate based upon the estimated number of years left in my life span … knock on wood). In theory, the fund could make charitable contributions in perpetuity.
Donor-advised endowments offer a great tax write-off, maximum flexibility in selecting recipients and create a "legacy" that can live on long after I shed this mortal coil.
"It's literally a 'charitable checking account,'" Detjen says. "You can give different amounts every year. You can give to one organization one year and, if you choose, five organizations the next. The beauty, the blessing and the curse is that there's so much flexibility that it makes it hard for people to make a decision."
Now that's a problem worth having.
Amount remaining: $50,000
INVESTMENT: I'm OK with my money, but just OK. However, with this heady sum of cash to work with, I need to do better than just "OK."
It's time to bring in a professional.
In this instance, I'll turn to Ed Klug, managing partner of Stifel Nicolaus' Fox Cities branch.
He builds a $50,000 stock portfolio geared at long-capital appreciation. Klug suggests using the first rule of good investing: Buy what you know. In order to do that, Klug selects a variety of blue-chip companies with a strong presence in the Fox Valley: Procter & Gamble, Illinois Tool Works (owners of Miller Electric), Bemis, Associated Bank and Anchor Bank. Klug also recommends some tech exposure - via Intel and Dell - and places the remainder in an exchange-traded fund offering exposure to international markets, specifically the Pacific Rim.
"The goal is to buy into diversified mix of companies that do well in both up and down markets and over a long period of time," he said. "And then reinvest any dividends."
Amount remaining: $0.
That's right, zero. Zip, zilch, nada and nunca.
Anyone who says they can't spend that kind of money in their own backyard just isn't looking.
Avi Stern is the associate publisher of Panache magazine. A background that includes seven years of business reporting helps when you're looking for places to spend some cash.
